Fira VS Manbitch and the Perverted Spoon
by Blinded Chubi
Summary: Fira is assigned to be Fraccion to everyone's favorite sexist Espada, and is forced to interact with his suckup servant Tesla. You know it's a good partnership when you're stealing sake from Starrk's private cabinet though! ONESHOT, TESLAXOC. RATED M FOR LANGUAGE, AND ONE ACT OF INDECENT EXPOSURE


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"Why the fuck am I Nnoitora's Fraccion?!" Firedela roared, shifting her weight. "He's a chauvinistic asshole who'll hate me just because I have tits and ovaries, so why do I have to be with him?" Aizen kept his patience and looked Firedela in the eye calmly. "Nnoitora requested the strongest Arrancar we could find above Adjucha status in the newest Arrancar Generation, and that _is _you, Miss Creid," he explained. Firedela shook her head so fast that her bright red hair blurred around her bronzed face. "Find someone else," she snapped, turning on her heel to leave. "I'm not working with that douchebag." As she took her first step, she felt a dark pain stopping her in her tracks. "Please do not overestimate your abilities, my dear," Aizen said smoothly. "I suggest you follow my orders."

She took a deep breath and nodded shakily. Immediately, the pain disappeared, and she bowed stiffly. "Yes sir," she mumbled, pouting. Her boots dramatically pounded against the floor as she backed out of the room and into the hallway. As soon as Aizen was out of her sight, she yelled in frustration and stomped off to Nnoitora's quarters. "Damn Aizen, with his little gay hair curl and bully powers," she hissed, dragging her star-shaped and pointy zanpaktou along the floor. Finally, she reached a gigantic white door with the number 5 painted on the front. "He's gonna be pissed when he sees I'm his Fraccion," Firedela sighed. "Leave it to Aizen to make _me _tell him and not him!"

Her gloved fists rammed against the door three times, and suddenly, a slim figure opened the door and stared at Firedela in annoyance. "What do you require from Master Nnoitora, Number 233?" a prissy and slightly silky voice asked. Firedela sighed and rubbed her temples. "Aizen said I'm Nnoitora's new Fraccion, Tesla," she said tiredly. "Where is he?" Tesla frowned. "Master Nnoitora won't like this at all," he replied, and Firedela glowered at his eyepatch. "Really? I thought he would loooove having a chick as a Fraccion," she sarcastically replied, pushing her way inside her new master's room. "Where _is _he?"

She peered around the room and sniffed in disdain. "God, he lives like a pig," she remarked rudely, looking at the piles of dirty and bloodstained clothes, eyepatches, and altogether disheveled room. "I wouldn't expect anything less from that dickhead though." Tesla glared at her, and put a hand on her shoulder. "Do not address your new master in that way, Firedela Creid," he said coldly, and the Arrancar bristled. Her body pivoted, and she put her zanpaktou to his neck. "DON'T call me 'Firedela', kissass," she growled. "It's 'Fira', got it?" He raised his eyebrows and sighed. "Please," he said, Sonido'ing away from her blade. "Threats only work when they are made by a worthy opponent."

Fira ignored him and saw Nnoitora walk in through the front door. "Here goes nothin'," Fira muttered. She walked up to the Espada who had noticed her in his room and was three seconds away from killing her. "Before you try to kill me, Aizen said I'm your new Fraccion," she said quickly, playing with her zanpaktou. "And no, I didn't request you to be my master." Nnoitora glared at her and sized her up, especially in the chest area. "I don't need a broad for a Fraccion," he spat, "Get outta here before I rip a hole in yer head." Fira scowled and shook her head. "No," she protested, "If you don't want me, tell Aizen yourself so I don't have to take any 'being insubordinate' bullcrap!"

Nnoitora leaned in close to her face. "You're the strongest one of the batch, though? Must not have been too much competition…" he remarked, and she leaned back. "Yeah, that's why Aizen sent me here, dumbass," she replied. "Do you want the strongest, or can I get out of this pigsty?" He sized her up again, and scowled. "I don't wanna give you up, considerin' that weakling Grimmjow might wanna steal you for ranking," he decided. He flashed her a lascivious grin. "Besides, I needed some action around here anyway."

Fira sighed and glared at him. "Great, I'm stuck with the horny spoon," she muttered. "Well, where do you want me to sleep, pervert?" He shrugged. "Either my bed with me or the floor," he said, putting his zanpaktou away. "If you're in my bed though, you're sleeping naked." Fira shuddered and pointed at a mattress on the floor. "Is that your bitch's doggy bed? How come I cant use that one?" she complained, and Nnoitora shrugged. "You wanna sleep with Tesla? Your loss…" Tesla stiffened, and he walked closer to Nnoitora. "Master, if I may speak, I don't want this…. person, in my bed if you wish to have her," he protested, and Nnoitora shook his head. "Jesus Tesla, you aren't porking her right away, you're sharing a mattress for fuck's sake," he snapped. "Suck it up; you should be thanking me for a chance of getting laid!"

Tesla redded, and then bowed. "Yes sir…" Fira glared at them both and looked around. "So, now what?" she asked. Nnoitora shrugged. "I dunno, I don't have time for training and that crap," he said. "Go, um, make me a sandwich or something." She sighed and put her hands on her hips. "I didn't become a Fraccion to be a servant," she snapped. "Make your manbitch get you a sandwich." She sat down on Tesla's mattress, and Nnoitora raised an eyebrow before thrusting his scythe to her neck. "Now that you're a Fraccion to me, learn some humility," he threatened. "Or else I'll just kill you and get it over with." She bit her lip and got up. "Fine," she said, slinging her zanpaktou over her back. "But your manbitch has to come along; I need to learn the fine arts of being a suckup, and I trust nobody else." He shrugged and sent Tesla off with Fira.

The moment they were out of earshot, Fira ran at top speed towards the kitchen. "Freedom!" she cheered, and Tesla caught her choker necklace, making her reel backwards. "Hey, what was that for?!" Tesla glared at her. "First, I'm not a manbitch, I'm a loyal Fraccion," he replied angrily, "There IS a difference. Second, just because you have strong abilities, don't think you're anywhere near as strong as Master Nnoitora by mouthing off. Finally, don't run off when you're given duties from Master Nnoitora." Fira sighed and looked him in the eye. "You are way too stiff, Manbitch," she complained, poking his shirt. "For once, will you pull that zanpaktou out of your ass and have a little fun without praising Nnoitora?" Tesla stiffened and glowered at her. "Master Nnoitora—" "Nnoitora isn't here, so shut up," she interrupted, pulling him into the kitchen. "Besides, I need some sake to get through today, and it's a two man job. C'mon, Manbitch!"

She dragged him to a pantry and opened a cabinet labeled: **_Starrk's Sake. DO NOT TOUCH! _** With trained hands, she picked up four bottles and put them in Tesla's hands. "Hold these while I keep watch," she ordered, and Tesla pinched the bridge of his nose. "For a subordinate to me, you have no authority to give me orders," he argued, and Fira ignored him as she took out four more bottles of sake and closed the pantry. "Now we need to get these outta here without getting noticed by Starrk's little burglar alarms Szayel made…" She dragged Tesla to the middle of the kitchen and tapped her zanpaktou. "Cúmulo Estelar*!" Her sword disappeared in a flurry of starbursts, and then appeared hovering around them both.

"When we leave, the stars will cover us completely, so we'll go along without getting caught," she explained. "Go!" She ran at top speed along with her star clusters, leaving Tesla standing unaware. "Dammit, Manbitch, why didn't you move?" she hissed, and she motioned her hand towards Tesla, making her stars appear around him. "Now hurry up; Sonido is detected on the alarm, so you'll get caught unless you run." He took a deep breath and ran, the stars vibrating and humming with energy around him, giving him an adrenaline high; he hadn't done things like this without Nnoitora there, supervising him (or more accurately, Nnoitora was either goading him on to do something, or saying what he was doing was stupid.). It gave him a fun adrenaline rush that he hadn't felt in a long time.

When he reached her, she smirked and grabbed his wrist, nearly making him drop the sake bottles in his arms. "C'mon, Manbitch; let's hurry before Starrk comes in the kitchen from his nap!" she urged, laughing as she ran. He barely kept up with her, and soon they were out of breath and standing at Nnoitora's door. "Won't Master Nnoitora be upset when he sees we don't have a sandwich for him?" he asked worriedly, and Fira scoffed. "No way, stupid," she said, "We have something better; booze!" She prepared to knock on the door, and then stopped. "Hey, do you have any secrets from Nnoitora?" she randomly asked. He shook his head. "That would be improper," he replied.

"_Really?" _she moaned, slapping her head. "No secrets at all? Jeez, do you even have a shred of balls in you, Manbitch?" Tesla stiffened and actually thought about it; why _couldn't _he have one thing Master Nnoitora didn't know about? It only seemed fair, since Master Nnoitora kept a lot of secrets from him; like why Szayelapporo was always skulking around Neliel's quarters with him. Fira snapped him back to reality by tapping his head. "You high or something? I'm talking to you, Manbitch!" she said, and he shook his head. "I was distracted," he said. "What did you say?"

Fira giggled and took a swig of a sake bottle. "I said, 'Wanna have a secret from him, then?'" Tesla's eyes narrowed. "What type of secret?" he asked suspiciously. The female Arrancar put a finger to her lips, and then perked up. "Oh, I know!" Without warning, she put down her bottles of sake, and her fingers flew to her corset-style top, loosening and then removing it completely, revealing her breasts. Tesla pales and shut his eyes, shielding his eyes from her bare chest. Fira sighed and opened his eyes. "Just look, will you? It'll at least make me think you aren't _completely _gay!" He shook his head, and she smacked the back of his head, making his eyes slightly open, and finally his curiosity got the better of him.

Tesla stared at Fira's chest for a few seconds, absorbing what he was really looking at. "See? If Nnoitora tries to get a look at my tits, now you can secretly know _you _saw 'em first!" she explained, slurring her words. "Wow, I think I drained half the bottle of sake while we were running….." He finally stopped staring blindly at her naked breasts, and reached out a tentative hand to see if he could touch them. Unfortunately, Fira slapped his hand away and put her top back on. "Woah, woah, I said 'look', not 'touch', Manbitch," she argued, lacing her corset back up. She turned on her heel and pushed open the door. A second before they walked in, she winked at him. "That's for tomorrow…"

_***Cúmulo Estelar- English translation: Star Cluster, hence the shape of her zanpaktou and abilities.**_

**A/N**

**Yeah, I really just had a concept for a TeslaXOC fic, and by God I wanted an M rated fanfic. And that's how this oneshot was made. I'm sorry if Nnoitora and Tesla are OOC, this is my first time writing them fully with only one other main character. How did I do?**

e...


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